Friday, November 12, 2010

Untitled...

Assalamualaikum and Konnichiwa... I'm really bad at giving titles. So, just assume that it's an emo post.

Born as the first child of the family, I've been taught not to create or cause any problem. Because of that, I prefer to do things alone, as I thought that I will cause others problem if I ask anybody to help me. Therefore, I thought that I have to be stronger that anybody else to be able to do things alone. I tried to master as many skills as possible so that I won't be needing any help and I tried to fulfill as many request as possible from my friends so that they won't run into problems. I even ignored the fact that I'm a girl, thus, preferred walking alone going anywhere, thinking that my request will cause my friends trouble. Though I've had been scolded many many times about the 'walking alone' issue, I ignored them as my concern is that I should not be a hindrance to anybody. I've even 'transformed' from a crybaby to a person who couldn't cry at all even when needed, remembering someone saying that seeing me cry causing that person headache.

I'm also really bad at making decisions for others. But I'm pretty confident in what is best for me, solely, though normally I'll just obey my parents thinking that they know what's the best. However, after an incident, I'm no longer confident with my stances. Within 20 years of living, what the heck am I actually doing?

It's really painful seeing others in pain. I regret it, very very much. Seeing many hurting because of me, I could see how huge sin I have made. I'm really disappointed with myself, I could see clearly that I'm actually useless, no matter what I do, I'm just a trouble maker. We may pretend that nothing happened, but how can I pretend when it's clearly written on their faces that they are hurting. I thought that I should never been born and I wished that the incident never happened. I even thought that it's better for me to disappear. Haha.. I'm a coward who loves to run away. Then I realized, I totally forgotten about the sixth 'Rukun Iman', Believe in Allah's Qada' and Qadar, until Allah reminded me. It suddenly popped into my mind before I started praying and it made my mind calm for a while. I felt like crying as much as I can remembering about this. Allah still love His worst servant.

I followed a manga entitled 'Dengeki Daisy' until now. It's a funny manga, however, there's a confusing quote which I couldn't understand. The quote "The pain of your sin, don't you ever forget about it" makes me wonder, why would the author repeated this quote many times? Isn't it a cruel statement? But I guess, I could understand it a bit now. InsyaAllah, I'll never forget the pain of my sin as well.

Forgive me for what I've done though I don't think I should be forgiven.

That's all.
Mattane Deshou..

8 comments:

afifi said...

it was not ur fault..please don't put the blame on urself..there was lots of things we learnt through our xpriencs..cheer up

nurayafuka chee~ said...

afifi~ hohohoho...
nah... after believing in qada' and qadar, i guess the occurrence of the incident can't be helped right? i guess i cheer up a bit realizing this.. ^_^

nurayafuka chee~ said...

lupe lak...
arigatou afifi~

anak pak man said...

wah, mahai tu dapat komen drp afifi! hoho, ni jeles neh.. XP

but still, believing in qadhar and qadha' is VERY important in becoming a Musilm. The obvious reason is to tell us that whatever happens, it's for a reason, and we need to believe that Allah knows best. Or else, apa guna jadi Muslim kn?

Allah tak akan bagi test kat kita yang kita tak boleh pass. It's up to us to usaha, do'a, tawakkal and redha..

=)

nurayafuka chee~ said...

so desu ne Anwar-kun..

btol tuh... n ak hmpir lupe psal tuh...

eh.. mahal ea komen afifi? tpaksa la ak amek gmbar post ni n simpan wat knangan.. hehe~

hontou ni arigatou~

anak pak man said...

yeah, that's why we need to keep smiling.. i find that it's easier to smile when you know that in the end, everything is going to be alright, as long as you BELIEVE..

=)

nurayafuka chee~ said...

Moichido arigatou~

May Allah strengthen our heart so that we could believe and stand up to anything~

InsyaAllah~ ^_^

anak pak man said...

Amiin~

InsyaAllah..